My story...

It all began with a blissful ignorance of the desire to start a family. After 3 years of building and nurturing a solid marriage we were ready to begin "trying," I may have been a bit more ready, but since the journey started we are both very much wanting a child. Unfortunately this has not been as easy as most woman around me. What really gets to me is when women who share they didn't think they would get pregnant so fast, and do. Shut the f*** up is all I want to say, you have no idea how lucky you are! Of course I say none of this aloud, as I use to be just as ignorant of those who suffer in silence. I am tired of the silence, and I'm ready to share.

I was sad for a really long time, and now I'm mad. I know these feelings will change and can be completely different, even within an hour. The roller-coaster of emotions has been the most surprising. I can feel crazy, happy, sad, mad, angry, resentful, hopeful, positive, impatient, calm, peaceful, pessimistic, frustrated, and sensitive each cycle, from one to the next.

I have been pregnant once. (A positive, I know, but that ride doesn't last long after you see your due date come and go) At 5 weeks I went to the ER for severe abdominal pain. There I was told it was most likely a miscarriage. At a follow up with my OB/GYN, a few days later, we heard the heart beat for the first time. What JOY! I get tears just looking back at that moment, a glimmer of hope. I was then monitored for 3 weeks (without ANY activity) and then our worst fear was reality, the ultrasound confirmed I had lost our baby 3 days before my appointment. There was significant growth, up to 8 weeks, but Champ, as we named our little one, didn't pull through.

It has been over a year since conception, with an added a diagnosed of an arcuate uterus (uterine abnormality), and have not been pregnant since...the waiting is demoralizing and I am hoping writing down my thoughts will help me think positively again. I am used to be so positive and I would like to recognize that in myself again.