Fingers crossed, prayers sent, and 10 days to go...

I have been hopeful, positive and happy. This month of "practicing" (less pressure than the term "trying") has been one of the best, in that it felt like the days before baby talk. It doesn't hurt that my husband has been more on board with increasing our chances due to less stress from work, for now. With all this wonderful and blissful change, the tide has turned a bit and anxiety is setting in...I really don't want to see another negative test. Time for some positive thoughts and prayers.

Absence

It is interesting to me how one can feel an absence for something one never truly had. I sill feel fulfilled, in other ways, but the stubborn, aching, emptiness that won't go away is hanging over me. I long for this forecast to pass...

Aunt Flow Came...

I am not defeated, but hearing baby announcements isn't getting any easier. Fortunately I have a dear, supportive and thoughtful friend who is due in 5 weeks. She shared with me how she puts other pregos in their place when they complain about pregnancy; reminding them how lucky they are to be expecting. That made me much feel better. After this cycle runs its course we will be ready to practice again.

4 days out...

I feel very proud of myself. I have not taken a pregnancy test! I'm about 4 days out from my expected cycle and a "Know 6 Days Early" test is still under the bathroom sink. The tough part is as my cycle approaches I am becoming hyper-critical of any changes I feel. I have a hunch I am not pregnant, none of the tell tales I had during my previous pregnancy, but I am still hopeful. All pregnancies are different right? I am taking some precautions, but still enjoying an occasional beer or glass of wine and a cup of coffee each morning. If I give it all up, the negative pregnancy test brings even more sadness. A least if the test is negative, I don't feel as if I changed my life completely or popped up on anyone's prego radar. If it is positive, I am still too early for the baby to be linked up to my system for any damage to occur. Win-Win.

It guess it looks like I am still juggling a few fertility balls, but not nearly as many as I had up before. I am still feeling good, so good in fact my husband has been asking me what's making me so giddy. I am just happy.

Throwing out the bathwater.

Over the Christmas holiday I was fertile, GREAT! We were staying with his parents and grandmother with all 3 bedrooms connected with us right smack int eh middle. Are you kidding me?? The stress level was high, my emotions strong and with a year since my first and last conception I had a lot riding on this month of trying. Needless to say this is not at all sexy or a turn on to anyone, especially my husband. My expectations and hopes were taking over and sabotaged our efforts. The conclusion: STOP! Stop tacking love making sessions, delete my period tracker app, stop thinking about my past pregnancy, stop setting uncontrollable deadlines, stop testing for ovulation, stop thinking!

It is amazing how much lighter you feel when you take some of the balls out of the air. I began to enjoy my time, my husband, his family and appreciate what I already had. Turns out this our sex life improved tremendously! That has been the biggest hurdle, you know the timing is right, but with all the calculating the fun and intimacy have left the building. Taking the pressure off has helped. I am still on prenatal vitamins and chaste-berry, but everything else is stopped, and I feel relieved and a new found hope.

My story...

It all began with a blissful ignorance of the desire to start a family. After 3 years of building and nurturing a solid marriage we were ready to begin "trying," I may have been a bit more ready, but since the journey started we are both very much wanting a child. Unfortunately this has not been as easy as most woman around me. What really gets to me is when women who share they didn't think they would get pregnant so fast, and do. Shut the f*** up is all I want to say, you have no idea how lucky you are! Of course I say none of this aloud, as I use to be just as ignorant of those who suffer in silence. I am tired of the silence, and I'm ready to share.

I was sad for a really long time, and now I'm mad. I know these feelings will change and can be completely different, even within an hour. The roller-coaster of emotions has been the most surprising. I can feel crazy, happy, sad, mad, angry, resentful, hopeful, positive, impatient, calm, peaceful, pessimistic, frustrated, and sensitive each cycle, from one to the next.

I have been pregnant once. (A positive, I know, but that ride doesn't last long after you see your due date come and go) At 5 weeks I went to the ER for severe abdominal pain. There I was told it was most likely a miscarriage. At a follow up with my OB/GYN, a few days later, we heard the heart beat for the first time. What JOY! I get tears just looking back at that moment, a glimmer of hope. I was then monitored for 3 weeks (without ANY activity) and then our worst fear was reality, the ultrasound confirmed I had lost our baby 3 days before my appointment. There was significant growth, up to 8 weeks, but Champ, as we named our little one, didn't pull through.

It has been over a year since conception, with an added a diagnosed of an arcuate uterus (uterine abnormality), and have not been pregnant since...the waiting is demoralizing and I am hoping writing down my thoughts will help me think positively again. I am used to be so positive and I would like to recognize that in myself again.