Fingers crossed, prayers sent, and 10 days to go...

I have been hopeful, positive and happy. This month of "practicing" (less pressure than the term "trying") has been one of the best, in that it felt like the days before baby talk. It doesn't hurt that my husband has been more on board with increasing our chances due to less stress from work, for now. With all this wonderful and blissful change, the tide has turned a bit and anxiety is setting in...I really don't want to see another negative test. Time for some positive thoughts and prayers.

Absence

It is interesting to me how one can feel an absence for something one never truly had. I sill feel fulfilled, in other ways, but the stubborn, aching, emptiness that won't go away is hanging over me. I long for this forecast to pass...

Aunt Flow Came...

I am not defeated, but hearing baby announcements isn't getting any easier. Fortunately I have a dear, supportive and thoughtful friend who is due in 5 weeks. She shared with me how she puts other pregos in their place when they complain about pregnancy; reminding them how lucky they are to be expecting. That made me much feel better. After this cycle runs its course we will be ready to practice again.

My story...

It all began with a blissful ignorance of the desire to start a family. After 3 years of building and nurturing a solid marriage we were ready to begin "trying," I may have been a bit more ready, but since the journey started we are both very much wanting a child. Unfortunately this has not been as easy as most woman around me. What really gets to me is when women who share they didn't think they would get pregnant so fast, and do. Shut the f*** up is all I want to say, you have no idea how lucky you are! Of course I say none of this aloud, as I use to be just as ignorant of those who suffer in silence. I am tired of the silence, and I'm ready to share.

I was sad for a really long time, and now I'm mad. I know these feelings will change and can be completely different, even within an hour. The roller-coaster of emotions has been the most surprising. I can feel crazy, happy, sad, mad, angry, resentful, hopeful, positive, impatient, calm, peaceful, pessimistic, frustrated, and sensitive each cycle, from one to the next.

I have been pregnant once. (A positive, I know, but that ride doesn't last long after you see your due date come and go) At 5 weeks I went to the ER for severe abdominal pain. There I was told it was most likely a miscarriage. At a follow up with my OB/GYN, a few days later, we heard the heart beat for the first time. What JOY! I get tears just looking back at that moment, a glimmer of hope. I was then monitored for 3 weeks (without ANY activity) and then our worst fear was reality, the ultrasound confirmed I had lost our baby 3 days before my appointment. There was significant growth, up to 8 weeks, but Champ, as we named our little one, didn't pull through.

It has been over a year since conception, with an added a diagnosed of an arcuate uterus (uterine abnormality), and have not been pregnant since...the waiting is demoralizing and I am hoping writing down my thoughts will help me think positively again. I am used to be so positive and I would like to recognize that in myself again.