Less Ups and More Downs

Another unsuccessful month behind us and I am all over the place. I get set up by small things that should just roll off my back. Instead I create significance that fires me up.

Example 1: My wonderful and supportive friend just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 1 week shy of her 1 year wedding anniversary. We joked about how our children would be the same age as we shared when we were going to be trying. It it so bitter sweet, I would never wish my situation on anyone, I just wish it was as easy for me too.

Example 2: sister-in-law asks her parents who in turn reach out to us to help with a problem. Her crib, which we bought 4 years ago for their first child, was damaged in their latest move. They do not have a retailer around them to find an estimate...blah, blah, blah. I am sure you can guess what sets me off, we are helping to fix a piece of furniture I am not (yet) able to have because I still haven't conceived.

Example 3: My husband's cousin just had a beautiful baby girl, finally, after 3 boys. We are thrilled for them, but their name choice was what we had wanted for our little girl; a name that we both fell in love with. He says it doesn't matter and we can still go with it, but it just isn't the same. It reminds me I have no baby to name and therefore no claim to it.

Example 4: We just passed the year point of my miscarriage. It seems like these mile markers related to my 1st and only pregnancy keep coming: passing the due date, a year since conceiving and a year since miscarrying. I see the next mile marker will be a year since my D&C. I am hoping that one will be the final chapter in my 1st pregnancy. It would be a whole heck of a lot easier to get through these times if I was able to get pregnant again... but I shouldn't fall into that spiral down type of thinking.

Again, these are just small things, but they feel so much bigger from where I am standing right now.

The only "up" I can really share is that my husband is still very positive, more so than me at times, but I am too. I am not an overly/outwardly religious person, definitely not the preachy kind, but I do get much comfort in praying. I am trying my best at letting go, putting my trust and faith to God, knowing I don't have control over what happens. Just to be sure, I have been very clear in my prayers, no symbolism here...God, please bless me with a healthy, full-term baby. There is nothing more than I want, than to be a mother.

Title Change

I changed the title of my blog after searching the web for "A baby or Bust" and realized I was not as creative as I thought. In order to have a bit of individuality I turned to a frequent phrase of my husband, "Let's start with one." This phrase stems back to early conversations in our relationship of how many children we would like to have. A very common chat most couples who are getting serious discuss. My response was 4. As 1 of 2 from parents of 6 and 10, I love extended family gatherings and enjoy the idea of a more dynamic and active household than the one I had with just my brother and I. (No offense Mom and Dad!) My answer phased to wanting to have more than 2. His, as you could have guessed, is now our title. I feel that it is very fitting, as I was so naive to think having a baby wouldn't be a problem. I now understand how difficult having "just one" baby can be. Thank you for rolling with the changes, as we have in more ways than one.

Throwing out the bathwater.

Over the Christmas holiday I was fertile, GREAT! We were staying with his parents and grandmother with all 3 bedrooms connected with us right smack int eh middle. Are you kidding me?? The stress level was high, my emotions strong and with a year since my first and last conception I had a lot riding on this month of trying. Needless to say this is not at all sexy or a turn on to anyone, especially my husband. My expectations and hopes were taking over and sabotaged our efforts. The conclusion: STOP! Stop tacking love making sessions, delete my period tracker app, stop thinking about my past pregnancy, stop setting uncontrollable deadlines, stop testing for ovulation, stop thinking!

It is amazing how much lighter you feel when you take some of the balls out of the air. I began to enjoy my time, my husband, his family and appreciate what I already had. Turns out this our sex life improved tremendously! That has been the biggest hurdle, you know the timing is right, but with all the calculating the fun and intimacy have left the building. Taking the pressure off has helped. I am still on prenatal vitamins and chaste-berry, but everything else is stopped, and I feel relieved and a new found hope.

My story...

It all began with a blissful ignorance of the desire to start a family. After 3 years of building and nurturing a solid marriage we were ready to begin "trying," I may have been a bit more ready, but since the journey started we are both very much wanting a child. Unfortunately this has not been as easy as most woman around me. What really gets to me is when women who share they didn't think they would get pregnant so fast, and do. Shut the f*** up is all I want to say, you have no idea how lucky you are! Of course I say none of this aloud, as I use to be just as ignorant of those who suffer in silence. I am tired of the silence, and I'm ready to share.

I was sad for a really long time, and now I'm mad. I know these feelings will change and can be completely different, even within an hour. The roller-coaster of emotions has been the most surprising. I can feel crazy, happy, sad, mad, angry, resentful, hopeful, positive, impatient, calm, peaceful, pessimistic, frustrated, and sensitive each cycle, from one to the next.

I have been pregnant once. (A positive, I know, but that ride doesn't last long after you see your due date come and go) At 5 weeks I went to the ER for severe abdominal pain. There I was told it was most likely a miscarriage. At a follow up with my OB/GYN, a few days later, we heard the heart beat for the first time. What JOY! I get tears just looking back at that moment, a glimmer of hope. I was then monitored for 3 weeks (without ANY activity) and then our worst fear was reality, the ultrasound confirmed I had lost our baby 3 days before my appointment. There was significant growth, up to 8 weeks, but Champ, as we named our little one, didn't pull through.

It has been over a year since conception, with an added a diagnosed of an arcuate uterus (uterine abnormality), and have not been pregnant since...the waiting is demoralizing and I am hoping writing down my thoughts will help me think positively again. I am used to be so positive and I would like to recognize that in myself again.