Less Ups and More Downs

Another unsuccessful month behind us and I am all over the place. I get set up by small things that should just roll off my back. Instead I create significance that fires me up.

Example 1: My wonderful and supportive friend just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 1 week shy of her 1 year wedding anniversary. We joked about how our children would be the same age as we shared when we were going to be trying. It it so bitter sweet, I would never wish my situation on anyone, I just wish it was as easy for me too.

Example 2: sister-in-law asks her parents who in turn reach out to us to help with a problem. Her crib, which we bought 4 years ago for their first child, was damaged in their latest move. They do not have a retailer around them to find an estimate...blah, blah, blah. I am sure you can guess what sets me off, we are helping to fix a piece of furniture I am not (yet) able to have because I still haven't conceived.

Example 3: My husband's cousin just had a beautiful baby girl, finally, after 3 boys. We are thrilled for them, but their name choice was what we had wanted for our little girl; a name that we both fell in love with. He says it doesn't matter and we can still go with it, but it just isn't the same. It reminds me I have no baby to name and therefore no claim to it.

Example 4: We just passed the year point of my miscarriage. It seems like these mile markers related to my 1st and only pregnancy keep coming: passing the due date, a year since conceiving and a year since miscarrying. I see the next mile marker will be a year since my D&C. I am hoping that one will be the final chapter in my 1st pregnancy. It would be a whole heck of a lot easier to get through these times if I was able to get pregnant again... but I shouldn't fall into that spiral down type of thinking.

Again, these are just small things, but they feel so much bigger from where I am standing right now.

The only "up" I can really share is that my husband is still very positive, more so than me at times, but I am too. I am not an overly/outwardly religious person, definitely not the preachy kind, but I do get much comfort in praying. I am trying my best at letting go, putting my trust and faith to God, knowing I don't have control over what happens. Just to be sure, I have been very clear in my prayers, no symbolism here...God, please bless me with a healthy, full-term baby. There is nothing more than I want, than to be a mother.

WE ARE COVERED!!

Big news! My husband looked into to our coverage and we now have infertility coverage! Our health care provider just sent us new memberships cards and we are ready to roll. I already e-mailed my OB/GYN and she has sent over the referral for a specialist, a reproductive endocrinologist. The earliest I could schedule is about 6 weeks away, which gives me time to see how the acupuncture treatment goes. I will know I gave it the 3 months it called for, before going back to western medicine. I have had a tremendous amount of weight lifted off my shoulders, the pressure of trying to find a new job since I didn't have coverage through my current position is gone. I now have time to breath knowing that we are doing all we can and now we wait, but have fun while doing so. ;)

Needled

A new verb has been added to my vocabulary, needled! I officially began acupuncture today. My parents have been my biggest fans, and due to their wonderful love and support have gifted me funds to begin my treatment. Currently we are not covered for infertility services and with my husband in grad school, funding service through our doctor have been put on hold. Until the time we have infertility coverage, we have only been able to go about having a baby the old fashioned way. As you may have guessed, it has not been successful.

Thus, began a conversation in which my mom insisted that they would begin funding my acupuncture treatments in order to increase my odds while we are in health insurance limbo. I immediately teared up on the phone, I finally felt like I could be proactive with our circumstances. In addition, I was so touched, but not surprised, my parents have always put their children first. I know how much I have been in their thoughts and prayers, grateful for their silent support. My mom told me that they have held their tongues, knowing what a painful ride this has been and that any "checking-in" questions added to the suffering. Now that a year has past, it was time, and my parents were ready to take action. (THANK YOU!)

I was not at all nervous leading up to the appointment, I added it to my calendar and that was that. I didn't know what to expect and did feel a bit anxious as I sat in the waiting room. It just felt good to be moving forward. I was pleased to find out how comprehensive the questioning was, how integrated our body really is. You know it is, but eastern medicine really drives it home. To mention the purpose of the visit, being needled doesn't feel good and can be very uncomfortable. After all the needles are in and settled there is a wave of calm that rushes over you. I will note there were a few difficult sticks, but in my mind that was confirmation I was where I needed to be.

Thank you to my mom and dad for helping us with our journey to become parents!

Title Change

I changed the title of my blog after searching the web for "A baby or Bust" and realized I was not as creative as I thought. In order to have a bit of individuality I turned to a frequent phrase of my husband, "Let's start with one." This phrase stems back to early conversations in our relationship of how many children we would like to have. A very common chat most couples who are getting serious discuss. My response was 4. As 1 of 2 from parents of 6 and 10, I love extended family gatherings and enjoy the idea of a more dynamic and active household than the one I had with just my brother and I. (No offense Mom and Dad!) My answer phased to wanting to have more than 2. His, as you could have guessed, is now our title. I feel that it is very fitting, as I was so naive to think having a baby wouldn't be a problem. I now understand how difficult having "just one" baby can be. Thank you for rolling with the changes, as we have in more ways than one.

Fingers crossed, prayers sent, and 10 days to go...

I have been hopeful, positive and happy. This month of "practicing" (less pressure than the term "trying") has been one of the best, in that it felt like the days before baby talk. It doesn't hurt that my husband has been more on board with increasing our chances due to less stress from work, for now. With all this wonderful and blissful change, the tide has turned a bit and anxiety is setting in...I really don't want to see another negative test. Time for some positive thoughts and prayers.

Absence

It is interesting to me how one can feel an absence for something one never truly had. I sill feel fulfilled, in other ways, but the stubborn, aching, emptiness that won't go away is hanging over me. I long for this forecast to pass...

Aunt Flow Came...

I am not defeated, but hearing baby announcements isn't getting any easier. Fortunately I have a dear, supportive and thoughtful friend who is due in 5 weeks. She shared with me how she puts other pregos in their place when they complain about pregnancy; reminding them how lucky they are to be expecting. That made me much feel better. After this cycle runs its course we will be ready to practice again.