Less Ups and More Downs

Another unsuccessful month behind us and I am all over the place. I get set up by small things that should just roll off my back. Instead I create significance that fires me up.

Example 1: My wonderful and supportive friend just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 1 week shy of her 1 year wedding anniversary. We joked about how our children would be the same age as we shared when we were going to be trying. It it so bitter sweet, I would never wish my situation on anyone, I just wish it was as easy for me too.

Example 2: sister-in-law asks her parents who in turn reach out to us to help with a problem. Her crib, which we bought 4 years ago for their first child, was damaged in their latest move. They do not have a retailer around them to find an estimate...blah, blah, blah. I am sure you can guess what sets me off, we are helping to fix a piece of furniture I am not (yet) able to have because I still haven't conceived.

Example 3: My husband's cousin just had a beautiful baby girl, finally, after 3 boys. We are thrilled for them, but their name choice was what we had wanted for our little girl; a name that we both fell in love with. He says it doesn't matter and we can still go with it, but it just isn't the same. It reminds me I have no baby to name and therefore no claim to it.

Example 4: We just passed the year point of my miscarriage. It seems like these mile markers related to my 1st and only pregnancy keep coming: passing the due date, a year since conceiving and a year since miscarrying. I see the next mile marker will be a year since my D&C. I am hoping that one will be the final chapter in my 1st pregnancy. It would be a whole heck of a lot easier to get through these times if I was able to get pregnant again... but I shouldn't fall into that spiral down type of thinking.

Again, these are just small things, but they feel so much bigger from where I am standing right now.

The only "up" I can really share is that my husband is still very positive, more so than me at times, but I am too. I am not an overly/outwardly religious person, definitely not the preachy kind, but I do get much comfort in praying. I am trying my best at letting go, putting my trust and faith to God, knowing I don't have control over what happens. Just to be sure, I have been very clear in my prayers, no symbolism here...God, please bless me with a healthy, full-term baby. There is nothing more than I want, than to be a mother.